you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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