just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
