My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
