the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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