We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
