you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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