I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
