You don't have asthma, your pregnant
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
