I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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