Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
