My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
