i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
