Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
