The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
