I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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