The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
