I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
