You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
