Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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