Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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