my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
