He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
