"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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