textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
