3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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