i need an iv and a liver transplant
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
