i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
