Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
His nipple licking is glorious
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