A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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