I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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