i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
