Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
