i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
