i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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