i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
