This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
