So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
