There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
