I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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