Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
