i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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