Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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