Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
