im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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