My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
