Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
