Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
