Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
