My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
