He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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