Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
