I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
