There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
