i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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