i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
