remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
