We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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