All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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