I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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