I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
