i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
