I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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