The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
